Ask Mr. Fix-It

As an attorney, I’m expected to know everything, and I do. So I was not surprised when, recently, I was asked how to change a serpentine belt on a car. What surprised me was that most people don’t know how to change a serpentine belt. Because automotive repairs can be expensive and most of us would rather not pay a professional to have the job done correctly, I decided to post a how-to guide in case any of you ever need to make this repair yourself.

You may be asking yourself, “What is a serpentine belt?” As you know, there are no stupid questions, but this question challenges that assertion rather strongly. As everyone else but you knows, a serpentine belt is the belt in your car’s engine that holds the engine together. It needs to be changed when your car stops running and someone looks under the hood and says, “Your serpentine belt came off.”

Now, to replace a serpentine belt, you need the right tools for the job. To change a serpentine belt, you will need:

1. A screwdriver.
2. A hacksaw.
3. A hammer.
3. Some nails.
4. A wrench (optional).

Before we get to the basics of how to replace this most important of belts, a terminology lesson may be useful. First, why is it called a “serpentine” belt? Interestingly enough, the belt got its name from the Greek goddess of combustible engines, Serpentine, who famously wore belts. “Wait a minute,” you ask, "the god of combustible engines was a girl?” Yes, and the babes and I don’t like your sexist tone of voice.

The first thing you need to do when it comes time to change your serpentine belt is to buy a new one at an automotive store. Don’t worry about finding the right belt for your car. Odds are, this repair is going to end in disaster, so it doesn’t really matter which one you get.

Next, you want to dress appropriately for the job. I like to work on my car in the driveway. If it’s summer, I like to take off my shirt so that I can work on getting a healthy tan. Also, I like to favor the ladies with a view of my alabaster legs, so I make sure to wear a short pair of jean cutoffs. You don’t want to overheat, so it’s also best to cool off by pouring a can of Diet Dr. Pepper over your head, smiling at how refreshing it feels. Shake your head back and forth in slow motion refreshment. Next, since you just know that the single girl across the street is probably spying on you through her window, you can make her day by sexily washing your car.

Once you’ve finished sexily washing your car, it might be tempting to wait for the girl across the street to come over and introduce herself. She won’t, because she’s probably playing hard to get, or she’s stuck up, or she has a loser boyfriend who’s no good for her and can’t she just understand that she’d be happier with you but she’d know that if she’d just take the time to get to know you and all of your wonderful qualities but maybe just maybe she’ll fall in love with you if you save her from being hit by a speeding bus by pushing her out of the way in the nick of time.

Anyway, you have a car to fix. Later on, you can anonymously send the girl across the street flowers and make hang up calls to her so that she gets the message that someone out there loves her madly and she'll guess it's you, for sure. For now, though, open your car’s hood and take a looksy-daisy. What you’re going to want to find is a spring loaded idler or tensioner. Once you find that, take your wrench and loosen what we in the automotive world call the “doohickey.”

It may be hard to get the doohickey loosened, so be prepared to swear a little. If you can’t find the right combination of invectives to get the doohickey loosened, go grab a hammer. Take the hammer and hit various parts of the engine as hard as you can to punish it for tormenting you.

If you succeed in loosening the doohickey a smidge, you should be able to get the belt on, unless you loosened the wrong doohickey. Perhaps you loosened a sumthinorother, which should be tightened right back up. Once the belt is on, sexily refresh yourself with another Diet Dr. Pepper, but don't bask in the glow of your success too long. You still have a busy day ahead: you need to drive to the store to get some magazines to cut out words for the love letter you're going to send the girl across the street.

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