Imperfect

       Having kids has given me a perspective that I didn't have before. Although I think my kids are the best kids in the world, they have their moments when they don't act perfectly.  (Don't let this scare you off ladies...even at their worst, they're pretty great. And I give great back massages, in case you were wondering.) But my love for my kids is always perfect. Love, then, sees past the imperfections to the beautiful soul beneath.

       It's easy enough to see past imperfections with your own kids, but when it comes to dating or relationships, it's different. A lot different. I haven't dated the perfect girl, and I doubt she exists. Everyone has their imperfections, their shortcomings. I guess what it comes down to is whether there is enough of what you're looking for in that person that you can look past their imperfections. 

       My favorite writer, Henry David Thoreau, famously said that he knew "of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability of man to elevate his life by a conscious endeavor." And if someone is continually striving to improve themselves, to overcome imperfections, what more can you ask for? Besides a nice back massage? Did I mention that I give good back massages? Of course I did. And I do the dishes, too, in case you were wondering.

       Look, I get lots of emails from followers of this blog asking me out. Sadly, that is a lie. No one's asked me out.  Not once. Never. But I am very happy about that, because my goal is to entertain you and to make you smile and nothing more.  I mean, who wants to find the girl of their dreams and fall in love? Bah! Humbug! I like this empty house, thank you very much. I like talking to myself. I win most of my arguments that way.

       But if the right girl came along, I could look past her imperfections.

Fashion Solutions

       I think clothing should come with expiration dates, just like food does. When I get salad dressing out of the fridge and I notice that it expired last October, I know that I probably should just throw it away. But I have clothing that's been hanging in my closet for years. While some of it may still be in style, some of it probably isn't. And for a single guy trying to get lucky, apparel can make or break you. Because if there's one thing I know, it's that women will only be interested in you if you are fashionably dressed.

       The problem is, I don't have a clue about what's in style.  I bought a shirt at the mall not too long ago. I got it at a clothing store that primarily targets high school-aged kids. Nonetheless, it was a decent enough looking shirt, so I bought it in my size without trying it on. The first time I tried it on after I got home, I thought I had accidentally bought the wrong size. The shirt felt two sizes too small. But no, I checked the tag. It was my size. So I started wondering--are teenagers really puny now? Or are tight, tight shirts in style? I still don't know the answer to that.

       Now, back to my point: Let's say that I'm getting ready to go out on the town, like a jungle cat on the prowl. I look through the closet, reach for a shirt, check the tag, and see that the label says "Best When Worn Before October 1996." To me, the shirt looks fine. But the label is a clear warning that I better not wear this shirt unless I want to remain alone for the foreseeable future. So I get out the tight, tight shirt that I bought at the teenage clothing store and I know that the ladies will LOVE how I look, because this shirt has not expired.

       But you can't just put expiration dates on clothes and be done with it. Clothes also need "Clothing Interaction Labels," similar to drug interaction labels. Just because the particular piece of clothing you are considering wearing isn't out of date, it doesn't mean that you can wear it with just anything. Black socks should come with a Clothing Interaction Label that says "Caution: Do Not Wear With Cargo Shorts. Or Any Shorts At All, You Dumb Ass."

       That's what the clothing industry needs: expiration dates and Clothing Interaction Labels. Then all of us single guys can look good and turn heads and get lucky...wait wait wait. I just realized the problem with my idea. If clothing had expiration dates and Clothing Interaction Labels, then all of us guys would be on a more or less even playing field, fashion-wise. Would that make things easier or more difficult with the ladies? Would I have to develop my personality to keep my edge? Do I even have an edge? Or a personality?

       Maybe messing with the natural order of things just isn't worth the price.

My Dating Standards

            Some may call me picky, but when it comes to dating, I have standards. Allegedly. The following is a true-to-life list of reasons that I’ve either declined to date someone or immediately stopped dating someone:

1.      Her teeth had rotted out. Most of them.

2.      She used the word “seen” in the following manner: “I seen you at the store the other day.” If you have to ask what’s wrong with that sentence, I will not date you, either.

3.      She wore a cell phone holster on her belt.

4.      She smelled like cat urine.

5.      She smelled like a skunk.

6.      She told me she once was possessed by a demon and had to have a priest perform an exorcism.

7.      She had a bad hairstyle that she thought looked good. No reasonable person would have thought her hairstyle looked good.

8.      She was going bald.

9.      She had more facial hair than me.

10.  She had more arm hair than me.

11.  She had more leg hair than me.

12.  She had more back hair than me (ladies, there are remedies for too much body hair).

13.  She had a crush on the Menendez brothers.

14.  She had a crush on Lorena Bobbitt.

15.  Her favorite animal was a unicorn. She was 30 years old.

16.  She looked like a boy.

17.  Neither of her eyes were lazy. At all. In fact, they were much too active.

18.  At dinner, she finished her entrée, then finished mine.

19.  I could hear her breathing from across the room. A crowded room.

20.  She had a boyfriend.

21.  She had a husband.

22.  She had a girlfriend.

23.  She found a can of beer in her purse and wondered aloud how it got there.

24.  She liked to eat pigs’ feet.

25.  She placed a dead rose in the driver’s seat of my car.

26.  She had a belching problem.

27.  She forgot my name.

28.  She asked how much money I made.

29.  She “shotgunned” snot out of her nose. I would have given her a pass on this if she would’ve been jogging or engaging in some sort of strenuous activity. But it happened in a restaurant parking lot after dinner.

30.  A football team was in town for a bowl game. Late at night, downtown, there were some drunk football players staggering along the sidewalk. She told them how much they sucked and tried to start a fight with them.

31.  Her brother had a crush on me.

32.  She listened to Barry Manilow. This might be a forgivable sin, but she made me listen to Barry Manilow, too.

33.  She wanted to be an astronaut, but she was much too dumb for that career choice to be even remotely possible.