Some may call me picky, but when it comes to dating, I have standards. Allegedly. The following is a true-to-life list of reasons that I’ve either declined to date someone or immediately stopped dating someone:
1. Her teeth had rotted out. Most of them.
2. She used the word “seen” in the following manner: “I seen you at the store the other day.” If you have to ask what’s wrong with that sentence, I will not date you, either.
3. She wore a cell phone holster on her belt.
4. She smelled like cat urine.
5. She smelled like a skunk.
6. She told me she once was possessed by a demon and had to have a priest perform an exorcism.
7. She had a bad hairstyle that she thought looked good. No reasonable person would have thought her hairstyle looked good.
8. She was going bald.
9. She had more facial hair than me.
10. She had more arm hair than me.
11. She had more leg hair than me.
12. She had more back hair than me (ladies, there are remedies for too much body hair).
13. She had a crush on the Menendez brothers.
14. She had a crush on Lorena Bobbitt.
15. Her favorite animal was a unicorn. She was 30 years old.
16. She looked like a boy.
17. Neither of her eyes were lazy. At all. In fact, they were much too active.
18. At dinner, she finished her entrée, then finished mine.
19. I could hear her breathing from across the room. A crowded room.
20. She had a boyfriend.
21. She had a husband.
22. She had a girlfriend.
23. She found a can of beer in her purse and wondered aloud how it got there.
24. She liked to eat pigs’ feet.
25. She placed a dead rose in the driver’s seat of my car.
26. She had a belching problem.
27. She forgot my name.
28. She asked how much money I made.
29. She “shotgunned” snot out of her nose. I would have given her a pass on this if she would’ve been jogging or engaging in some sort of strenuous activity. But it happened in a restaurant parking lot after dinner.
30. A football team was in town for a bowl game. Late at night, downtown, there were some drunk football players staggering along the sidewalk. She told them how much they sucked and tried to start a fight with them.
31. Her brother had a crush on me.
32. She listened to Barry Manilow. This might be a forgivable sin, but she made me listen to Barry Manilow, too.
33. She wanted to be an astronaut, but she was much too dumb for that career choice to be even remotely possible.
