Hawaii: Just Another Alcatraz?

          I've never been to Hawai'i. I hear it's beautiful, a veritable paradise. I've thought of going there someday, but I have grave concerns. What are my concerns? 
          Geckos. 
          I'm not sure I want to go somewhere where little Geico spokesmen are crawling around on the ceiling while I'm trying to sleep. Gross. I'd need a club to smash all the geckos I could find. I'd teach those cute, witty, insurance-slinging creatures to crawl around on MY ceiling. 
          My next concern about Hawai'i are the tarantulas and tiki idol curses. Remember when the Brady Bunch went to Hawai'i? Enough said. Now, you'd think that geckos, tarantulas, and tiki idol curses would be enough justification for anyone to stay away from Hawai'i, and you'd be right. But oh, my friends, I've got one more reason, you might even say it's the ULTIMATE reason, to stay away from that state: Hawai'i is an island. 
          Actually, it's more than one island, at least according to the propaganda. I really don't know because I've never been there. Either way, my concern is the same. Once you're on that island, you're trapped. The only way off the island is by plane. Maybe by boat. I don't know if they have boats over there, I've never been. In other words, once you get there, you might as well be at Alcatraz. Maybe it's nicer than Alcatraz, I don't know. I've never been there, either.
          Leaving by plane or by boat (if they have boats) ordinarily wouldn't be a problem. But what if, while I'm in Hawai'i, I decided to lead a life of crime? There's only so far I'd be able to run. The police would simply make sure that I didn't board a plane or a boat (if they have boats) and I'd basically be trapped. Sooner or later they'd get me. So that makes me wonder if there is any crime at all in Hawai'i. You'd think that Hawai'i would be the WORST state in which to begin a career as a bank robber.
          If you're like me, you like to eat a lot of Tabasco sauce. And if you're like me, sometimes you want to show how tough you are by drinking a whole bottle of Tabasco sauce on a dare. And although you win the dare and pay for it with severe heartburn and fiery bowel movements, you are comforted by the fact that you've won the respect of your drunken, unemployed friends who've been crashing on your couch and living room floor for the past two weeks. But if you're really like me, you like to keep your options open. That's my motto: keep your options open. That's why I can never decide where to go to dinner. Or which route to take to get to dinner. Once I make a decision, all the other options are no longer open, and that saddens me. 
          The point is, while I never plan on leading a life of crime, you never know if a First Blood (starring Sylvester Stallone) situation will arise where a small town sheriff with an ax to grind unjustly and wrongfully picks on the wrong, but totally innocent, person. So if that particular scenario happens to me, and I think it might because at some point I think my life will turn into a kick ass movie, I'd really prefer that it not happen in Hawai'i, because once I escape from the police, I don't want to be trapped on some island in the Pacific. I mean, if it happened in the continental United States, I could use the survival skills I picked up from all the Rambo movies and Chuck Norris movies from my youth to basically go anywhere from here to the Arctic north or maybe anywhere from here to the southern tip of South America. But if it happens in Hawai'i, my life-turned-movie will be about me trying to swim from Hawai'i to California. Can you think of a suckier movie than that?
          And that's why I stay away from Hawai'i.