Changes

There is only one thing that is certain in this life: change. We are born into this world and slowly but surely we grow. We change. Some changes happen slowly, almost imperceptibly, over a long period of time. Other changes are quick and dramatic. I just had one of those quick and dramatic life changes.

I bought a new toaster.

But not just any toaster. This is a four slice toaster. Four slices of bread or frozen waffles or bagels (but not watermelon). Cooking breakfast for my children will forever be more efficient.

My first thought after buying the four slice toaster was that I could throw the old two slice toaster away. But then I had a flash of inspiration: I can keep BOTH toasters and toast SIX slices of bread, waffles, or bagels (but not watermelon) at the same time. SIX SLICES AT THE SAME TIME!

What this means in terms of my personal productivity is virtually endless. I can spend more time on Facebook liking or commenting on status updates and George Takei memes. I can even create more memes of my own! And when people argue with me on Facebook, I’ll have plenty of time to argue back!

What else can I spend my time on? Scuba diving! I'll take lessons! And once I learn how to scuba dive, I'll try a stunt I saw on a James Bond movie once, where I start out scuba diving and then grab onto a boat’s tow rope and get pulled to the surface and water ski barefoot! Maybe even with the James Bond theme playing! This is definitely going on the bucket list.

All this extra free time will help with dating, too, because now I'll have time to learn some magic tricks. What better way to break the ice with the babes than with a little magic? Next time I’m at the ol’ watering hole (no, it's not the high school cafeteria--I've been banned) and there’s a bunch of pretty girls, instead of working up the courage to go try out some lame pick up line like "You don't sweat much for someone your size," I will try magic instead! I will confidently approach and say, “Hi, my name is Cody. I know we just met, but which one of you wants to go back to my place and let me put you in a box and cut you in half?” 

Thanks to the new four slice toaster and the free time it’s going to give me, there’s no end to what I’ll be able to accomplish.

Unless my kids ask for eggs.
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Love in a Supermarket

I was grocery shopping the other night when I saw a really attractive mother and her young daughter in the juice aisle. The daughter, who looked to be about three years old, said, "Mommy, my tummy says it really wants some juice."

I smiled as I walked past and said something like "So cute."

The (oh so fine) mom said to her daughter, "Well, then, I think we need to get you some juice."

"That's a terrific idea, mommy," the girl said. The fact that a little three-year-old actually said "terrific" made me smile again. I wondered if she was from yesteryear. Or maybe she was from Britain. I quickly ruled out the latter possibility because she didn't have a British accent.

I paused further down the aisle, and soon the (oh so fine) mom and her little girl caught up to me. I looked up as they walked past and smiled slightly at them. The (oh so fine) mom gave me a little wink. I think she winked, anyway. Maybe it was just an eye twitch. I don't know. I wished I could rewind the scene and replay it so I could be sure. (Mental note: I wonder if I can get eyeglasses with a tiny video camera in the bridge so that I can record everything and then instantaneously play back a scene in my eyeglass lenses? I'll Google it later.)

Up ahead, the (oh so fine) mom and her little girl caught up with the little girl's grandmother. How did I know the old woman was the grandmother you ask? Do I really need to fill in all the details? I do? Fine, I knew she was the grandmother because the girl said, "Grandma, we're getting juice!"

The girl and her (oh so fine) mom continued ahead of the grandmother, probably because grandmothers don't get around as fast as they used to because they're so old and broken down. Or maybe this grandma was just lazy and preferred to walk slow. I didn't have time to figure out why she lagged behind. Maybe it was due to both old age and laziness. All I knew was that it suited my purpose.

I casually caught up to grandma and said, "Your granddaughter is SO cute. Reminds me of my youngest."

Grandma smiled and thanked me and asked where my kids were. I quickly explained it was their mother's night to have the kids. We continued talking and the next thing I know, she told me that she just HAD to introduce me to her daughter. "You'll just love her to death," she said. "And I'm sure she'd approve of you, too." I can honestly say that I was quite pleased with how things were going.

Eventually, the (oh so fine) mom and her little girl headed back towards us. Grandma made introductions. The (oh so fine) mom extended her hand, smiled broadly, and said, "Nice to meet you." She gave her elderly mother a quick thumbs up and said "I'll leave you two alone." She then turned and walked away.

I was puzzled about what had just happened until Grandma asked me out on a date.

Robbing the Cradle

I went on a date with a younger girl. She was 22. She'd finished her degree in chemistry, so I was expecting that she'd be somewhat grown up, despite her young age. I picked her up at her apartment and when she opened the door, there was some really awful  pop music playing. I asked her who the singer was, and she said that it was Justin Bieber. "Justin Beaver?" I asked. She corrected me and told me that she would LOVE LOVE LOVE to go to one of his concerts.

Realizing that this girl wasn't as mature as I'd assumed, I decided that instead of going to the Italian restaurant I had in mind, we'd try something a little younger.

We went to McDonalds.

She ordered a Happy Meal. The first thing she wanted to do was play with the toy, but I wouldn't let her. I told her that she had to eat all of her Chicken McNuggets first. During dinner, she talked about her favorite bands and about how she wished she could save all the stray dogs in the world.

After she finished her McNuggets, she decided that she wanted to play in the McDonalds Playland for a little while. I wasn't in a hurry, so I let her play while I talked to some of the other parents. After half an hour, I told my date that it was time to go. She threw a fit and started crying. I reminded her that I let her play for quite a while, and it was getting late. "Fine!" she said, stomping her feet as we left.

By then, it was well past eight p.m., so I decided to take her home because it was nearly her bedtime. She invited me inside and asked if I'd like something to drink. "Whatever you're having," I answered. She brought me a glass of milk. We chatted while we drank our milk. At one point, I thought I said something wrong, because she looked very upset. But then I realized what the problem was. I pulled her close and patted her on the back until she burped. Then she was happy again.

After this experience (and it's not an isolated experience), I'm wondering what has happened in society. Twenty-two used to seem pretty grown up. But now it seems like the maturity of a lot of twenty-two-year-olds is what you'd expect of fourteen-year-olds twenty years ago.

Despite her immaturity, I'm going to go out with her again. But only because she's hot. I have standards, after all.