A girl I went to college with recently e-mailed me and said that she had found my blog and was surprised that I hadn’t written about our dating adventures. Ask and ye shall receive.
This girl, whom I’ll refer to as “Ann” to protect her identity and reputation in the community, was in several of my college classes. What first drew my attention to her was her striking resemblance to the singer Jewel. She kind of looked like Renee Zellweger, too. I once told her that she looked like Renee Zellweger. This, it turned out, offended her, which surprised me because the reaction that I expected to receive from that compliment was some giggling, blushing, and maybe a prolonged makeout session in the back of our Energy for Society class.
Nope. All I managed to do was offend her. This taught me a valuable lesson, which was that under no circumstance should I ever tell Ann that she looked like Renee Zellweger. I most definitely decided not to tell her that she looked like Jewel. She probably hated Jewel, too.
In addition to hating attractive celebrities, Ann was also athletic and competitive. Everyone who knows me knows that I am not athletic even though I think that I am athletic. This delusion makes me competitive, too. Anyway, Ann knew that I liked to work out, probably because I always bragged to her about how much weight I could bench press (95 lbs for three reps!) and she invited me to go running with her. I’ve gone running with lots of girls, probably millions of girls, and I’ve always had to go kind of slow so that they could keep up. I expected the same thing with Ann.
The nice guy that I am, I let her set the pace. As it turned out, her pace was approximately 48 miles per hour. Maybe not quite that fast, but I am approximating. Needless to say, I struggled to keep up. I tried to act like her blistering pace didn’t bother me because, I assumed, she would soon get tired and slow down or end the run altogether.
As it turned out, she could keep up that pace for about three to four miles, maybe more. We ran all over downtown Boise. At one point, we were running down Broadway, a major road with a lot of traffic. Showing no kindness or sympathy, Ann began to really outrun me. Soon she was far enough ahead of me that I hoped that people driving by would assume that I wasn’t running with her, because if they thought I was running with her, then they were in all likelihood laughing at me for not being able to keep up with a girl.
Now, some of you chicks out there might think I’m sexist for thinking that I should be a better runner than the average dame, but I’m not sexist at all. The problem is that society is sexist for thinking that I should be able to run as fast as any girl out there and I don’t like to be laughed at because of it. See how I’m the innocent one?
So there I was, running along, watching as Ann continued to increase the distance between us. She was so far ahead that nobody could possibly think we were running together. And that’s when she humiliated me. She turned around and ran backwards, waving at me to catch up to her. I’m sure everyone driving by had a good laugh at me.
Those sexist pigs.
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