Changes

There is only one thing that is certain in this life: change. We are born into this world and slowly but surely we grow. We change. Some changes happen slowly, almost imperceptibly, over a long period of time. Other changes are quick and dramatic. I just had one of those quick and dramatic life changes.

I bought a new toaster.

But not just any toaster. This is a four slice toaster. Four slices of bread or frozen waffles or bagels (but not watermelon). Cooking breakfast for my children will forever be more efficient.

My first thought after buying the four slice toaster was that I could throw the old two slice toaster away. But then I had a flash of inspiration: I can keep BOTH toasters and toast SIX slices of bread, waffles, or bagels (but not watermelon) at the same time. SIX SLICES AT THE SAME TIME!

What this means in terms of my personal productivity is virtually endless. I can spend more time on Facebook liking or commenting on status updates and George Takei memes. I can even create more memes of my own! And when people argue with me on Facebook, I’ll have plenty of time to argue back!

What else can I spend my time on? Scuba diving! I'll take lessons! And once I learn how to scuba dive, I'll try a stunt I saw on a James Bond movie once, where I start out scuba diving and then grab onto a boat’s tow rope and get pulled to the surface and water ski barefoot! Maybe even with the James Bond theme playing! This is definitely going on the bucket list.

All this extra free time will help with dating, too, because now I'll have time to learn some magic tricks. What better way to break the ice with the babes than with a little magic? Next time I’m at the ol’ watering hole (no, it's not the high school cafeteria--I've been banned) and there’s a bunch of pretty girls, instead of working up the courage to go try out some lame pick up line like "You don't sweat much for someone your size," I will try magic instead! I will confidently approach and say, “Hi, my name is Cody. I know we just met, but which one of you wants to go back to my place and let me put you in a box and cut you in half?” 

Thanks to the new four slice toaster and the free time it’s going to give me, there’s no end to what I’ll be able to accomplish.

Unless my kids ask for eggs.
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